forgot all she used to know

bang head off keys.

how frustrated am i. i'm stuck because i can't express myself properly. the same way i can't paint what i want to paint. i can't make the noise i want.

i feel like biting a thick raw steak and shaking it hard. and dropping it. because something like that between my teeth would probably feel good.

just. a mother. fucking. frustrating fuck.ity. shit.

tight chests. sore arms. heart hurts. bath and candle time.

AND MAGAZINE DAY! that's great. I got a vogue in the mail. little thing I can hold on to.

I probably need to work harder. I need to research the sound I want more. I need to paint more, obviously. I.

I want something different.

bath, candle, magazine, scotchy scotch time.

ever find facebook

to be like...the saddener? like you're aight...pretty cool...gonna do some random stalking and then you're like...what?! what's that status. ba BAM!

Rock Camp

This weekend I took part in Rock Camp for girls as a random helper/bass instructor. It was amazing.

I'm currently exhausted, and Chris wants to watch some tv's, so I better go... but I just thought I should probably document this-I'm so happy right now.

"Finish every day and be done with it.....

You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

it's a strange thing

seeing someone run for the bus and miss it. to see them continue running after it's too late. faces so sad and legs that take too long to halt.

I had a great release last night. I've been a fucking weirdo lately. needing a change. taking it out on people. and always myself.

I think about what to paint and don't paint it.

I sometimes think about writing and don't write.

I always think about want.

some how appreciate the fall.

Last night I came home and wrote a post drunk. and then deleted it in the morning because of all the curse words. I might re-release an edited version.

re-release last night

tried to drink to forget.

I tried different beers last night.

but stayed sober enough to remember.

I made sure not to drink too much because it was a work night.

holy shit. sometimes I fucking hate myself. am amazing and gorgeous, mostly god-like. My name is derived from divinity. but on occasion, I'm not entirely proud of everything I do.

went to see some bands tonight.

mouth-they were fun. liked the female bassist. got worried when i saw she was hot, but then enjoyed the way she played. mostly distracted by the singers preference for that cunt that killed those women. weird. the banter was humourous at times, but a little repetitive.

mannequin-have seen them twice. enjoyed them twice. made me feel like I'm in twin peaks. and my best friend is dead... but it's okay...because it's so beautiful. we're so beautiful.

jeff and brotherhood-holy fucking shit. that was fun to see.

something like....

in Bored to Death. being in a great deal of mental pain. just for a few moments until I forget. but like a fish forgets in seconds, I might be forced to remember and suffer again.