The last day

A creature

Built for cruelty.

Hopefully will find happiness and change.

But until then. And maybe until never. Don't engage and move on.

So, this might be neat

Starting a little fitness experiment with my sisters... 30minutes of exercise/5 times a week.

Today I

Got on the scale and weighed more than I have in about three years.

So I got on the treadmill for the first time in a long time.

holy fuck

my blog just seems to be the most depressing place in time. sad sad sad. an opportunity to be sad. sad sad. oh! I forgot what fun and happy is, oh joy!

oh fuck.

Sometimes when

Things are bad. And you are surrounded by bad. You don't know that it's bad.

And then something feels good. And your husband is so good. And helpful. And there is joy. Joy and laughter. And fun. Even in the midst of dark freezing cold January nights.

Is it possible

That among all these things. That's the thing that's getting to me the most. That's my big challenge and the thing to focus on.

It's the biggest challenges. But it's honestly the real problem.

When I was twenty

A 31 year old man broke my heart. Being almost 30 myself, I can tell you that he was and is a total retard. but you'll have to forgive me, I was only 20.

I cried a lot in my parents small 2 bedroom apartment. I loved their tub because the water looked far away turquoise blue.

One day I was sad in the tub and listening to 'Our Endless Numbered Days' when my mom came BARGING in. I was naked and I was the only one uncomfortable with that. She yelled at me, "IS THAT HIM?! Turn it off! Turn it off if that's him!".

I stared, naked deer in headlights, and she closed the door and went away.

I sunk back in the bath and incredulously thought, "Is that him?! My god! He'd never sound this good".

And that was my moment of relief.